Reflections
by Moon's-Wing
Summary: A different take on how Kenshin could've 'dealt' with losing Tomoe... And telling his friends of it.


Hiten Mitsurugi. Kenshin Himura!

This one detests having to speak these words. Not that this one dislikes defending himself when necessary, but because someone is being so thick-headed that this one has to. Someone finds out who this one was, what he stood for, and then must fight. And this one couldn t talk them out of it. So we both get bruised and bloodied until this one s opponent has had enough.

Then the doctor is called. And sometimes, just for it to begin again.

There are times when this one curses himself for his actions. Not just the every day atonement, but times when this one truly feels damned. As if there is no action this one can perform that will atone for the killing the Battosai is responsible for.

This one is not stupid. He knows how Kaoru-dono feels for him, he does. How she wishes he felt for her. This one can t deny he does care for her, but Kaoru-dono must find another to care for. This one cannot be with her. She has only seen the Rurouni, and does not know what lies within him. She almost had a glimpse, but she herself stopped that before it happened. And she does not know the phantom that still haunts him, that she doesn t.

This one thinks maybe it is time for him to move on. Maybe if this one left, Kaoru-dono s thoughts could drift to another. Sano, maybe. He could care for her as she deserves. But she wouldn t even consider it while this one is here, that she wouldn t. How long can this one keep her away? How much more will she take?

I must go now, before it is too late, he must. This one stands.

Might I ask where? Sano. Where did he come from? This one must have been deeper in thought than he thought.

Ah, just to the market This one doubts Sano believes him.

I ve been standin next to ya for awhile now. Didn t hear Kaoru ask you to go get anything.

It is this one s own errand.

Really?

Yes.

Then you won t mind me tagging along.

This one can lose Sano in a crowd. Of course, if you would like.

&

Sano walks with this one in silence. We reach the market, and this one pretends to look for whatever it was he was supposed to be looking for. After a while, this one knows Sano is on to him, that he does.

Do you really think you can get away with this? he asks this one.

Get away with what?

You know what. And you re /not/ going to lose me.

This one sighs and finds a cool corner to sit in with Sano. Why do you not wish this one to leave?

Cuz you re my friend, Kenshin. I thought you had finally found some roots here.

Yes. But this one also wishes to leave, that he does.

Why?

Kaoru-dono. This one knows she cares quite deeply for him.

And the problem is?

This one cannot return her affection.

So you re running away.

This one is letting Kaoru-dono have a life without him again. It would be easier on her than to just keep hoping.

So you re running away.

What would /you/ do, then?

Court her. Marry her. Maybe none of the above. But I wouldn t leave her.

It is painful for this one to see the hope and love in her eyes whenever she looks at him, it is.

So talk to her. Don t run. That would hurt her most of all. He pauses. Besides, you don t want to run out on Yahiko and me too, do ya?

This one doesn t /want/ to leave at all. But he feels as if he should, that he does.

Well, he shouldn t. Oh, crap! Now you ve got me talking like you!

This one has to smile.

Look, I ve put my 2 yen in. Leaving would be the worst thing you could do to her, trust me. So, do ya wanna go back home?

Sano is right. This one shouldn t run from Kaoru-dono. Yes, Sano.

&

Kaoru-dono is waiting for us. And where have the two of you been? she asks us.

Kenshin had an errand he needed my help with, Sano says. Right?

Yes, but this one is done now if you need him.

No, she replies. I was just curious.

I look at her. Could this one talk to you a moment?

Of course, she replies.

That s my cue to leave, Sano states, and wanders off.

What is it, Kenshin? Kaoru asks me. You look upset.

This one has seen how /you/ look, especially when you look at him. This one knows how you feel about him, he does.

You do? Her cheeks turn red.

Yes. This one sees the love for him in your eyes every day, he does. But this one cannot return your affection.

...Might I ask why? God, she s already fighting tears.

This one is trying to atone for his sins, that he is. You must understand that.

You re not allowing yourself to love?

This one has loved. And lost. You did not know this, but this one was married once before. These hands took her life.

A shocked expression crosses her face, then calms. It couldn t have been on purpose.

It happened just the same. This one has known love. That is enough for him.

So you won t give another person a chance because you re still being haunted by " She pauses. "What was her name?

Tomoe. And yes.

I can see your mind s made up.

Yes. This one hopes you find happiness. It just will not be with him.

You re not leaving, are you?

No, but this one had to say this if he were going to stay.

As long as you don t As long as you don t Leave me Her words left her and she ran into the house. THis one took off in the direction he had seen Sano go, and found Sano by a lake near the house.

You told her. It was a statement, not a question. This one did not need reply.

She just asked this one not to leave. Her heart will heal with time, that it will.

I hope so. I really thought you two would be together.

It is not meant to be, Sano.

Whatever you say, Kenshin. You should know what s best for yourself.

You do not approve of this one s choice.

It shouldn t matter what I think.

This one could feel the anger building within him. He began to speak without realizing he was doing so.

You don t understand. Neither of you do. You don t understand what is in my head, or what is within my heart, you don t. This one felt the tears. I want Tomoe. This one could /feel/ Sano s head turn.

Who? he asked.

I. Want. My. Wife. Sano caught my gaze. This was calming. This one never told you, did he? THis one just told Kaoru-dono too. Her name was Tomoe, and these hands took her away.

Kenshin, if you re worried about hurting Kaoru-

No, Sano, that s not it, that it isn't. This one still mourns her. That is not fair to Kaoru-dono. The man who she entrusts her heart to should see her, not a ghost, that he should.

"I suppose you're right."

"You still don't understand, that you don't."

"Perhaps not. But my understanding is not important in this matter."

This one stands with his friend in silence. He looks out over the nearby pond, at the setting sun's rays making the water shine. Then there is a realization. "The sun sets everyday," this one says.

"It does," Sano agrees.

"The sun sets, but always arises again. The day starts over, no matter what has happened the day before."

"Kenshin? You're starting to scare Sanosuke..."

"But Sano, can't you see? It makes perfect sense, that it does." This one runs at full speed back to Kaoru-dono's dojo.

Kaoru-dono was in her room, crying. Cautious, but determined, I knocked on the door. Sano, Yahiko, whoever it is, go away! she yells.

Then this one will go.

The door opens quickly. Once again, this one sees that hope in her tear-stained eyes. Kenshin?

Kaoru-dono. This one was caught in the past, hopes you can forgive him, and he can not promise anything, but if Kaoru-dono can find it in her heart to be patient with him-

This one s words are cut off by Kaoru-dono s embrace. I ll wait as long as you need me to, Kenshin, she whispers. 


End file.
